Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize