College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
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