I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
