im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
