And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize