I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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