I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
