Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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