I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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