On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
