just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you win again, gameday.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
