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Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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