my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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