so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
