Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
