Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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