then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
