Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
