you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
