i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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