I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
