as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
