If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
