I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
