He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
