just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
