I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
too bad you live with your parents still
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
