apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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