What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
