Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
