ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
