im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
