Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
