Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
