I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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