tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
