rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
