you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
