did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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