atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
