I just cut my nipple shaving
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
