I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize