fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
