Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
