Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
