I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
