I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
