but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
