just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
What a dumb baby whore.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
