It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
literally had 100 drinks last night.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
