There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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