I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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