when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
