i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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