think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
