if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
