I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
That reminds me...we need to get swords
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
