nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
