If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
